Impressive Parenting!

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 “I had to love my child enough to let her hate me.”  (Carol Burnett)

 I am proud to say, these three parents were my 8th grade students and are now my friends.  Not only do I love them for being terrific people, I admire the type of parents they’ve become. I am proud to showcase good parenting, with their permission of course.

~ Several life-changing events forced Monica to uproot her children.  To make up for this, she indulged them, allowing them to partake in multiple activities.   Soon, Monica and her husband Enzo discovered their family time was being lost to the kids’ schedules.

Monica said,”

“The kids monopolizing every day of the week seems CRAZY!!!  Enzo and I realize we have been negotiating with terrorists and letting the inmates run the asylum!”  (I’m still laughing at Monica’s comment)

 Realizing the imbalance, Monica and Enzo quickly reined in the indulgences.  The children had to make a choice.  One extra curricular along with schoolwork was a better balance.   Focusing a little less on the two children, gave the family of four a more cohesive base.  Monica and Enzo handled this situation with clarity and humor.  The best part, the kids survived.  Impressive!

 ~Anita knew her son was intelligent, but Avery’s grades were not reflecting his ability.  After a year of poor grades and issues in the classroom, Anita decided to take action.  At the beginning of the next school year, Anita adjusted her work schedule to help Avery improve his skills.

 Anita, who worked from home, snagged Avery the minute he got off the bus.  She immediately sat him at the kitchen table, reserving an hour to his homework.   This dedicated time improved his self-discipline, his schoolwork and thus positively impacted his classroom success.  Avery’s world was righted. 

 Anita was able to change her work schedule to help Avery.  Not everyone can stop work mid-day, but every parent, regardless of work hours, can dedicate undivided time to his or her child.  It is important to your child’s success. 

 Monica, Enzo and Anita allowed their kids to be disappointed, angry or maybe resentful, knowing the outcome would be positive.  It’s called being the adults, specifically being good parents.

 Not all circumstances are remedied this easily, but the point is to find the source of the problem and take corrective matters in your own hands.   You must be consistent.  I am the first one to say it’s tough when you’re working, but you must stick to program and follow through no matter how tired you are.

Nearly every kid begins going down a wrong path. Don’t be surprised.  That’s what kids do when they’re testing waters.  You simply have to jump ahead of them and guide them back on the right track.   But here’s the kicker.  Do not wait to correct wrong behavior.  The longer you wait, the bigger the task you’ll have. 

Parents, who tenderly guide their children from the beginning, most likely have an easier job of parenting as the kids grow.  It’s easier to trim a sapling than a tree.

A hug with a good-bye

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When your child leaves for school this year, send him off with a hug, a kiss, an “I love you” and a pep talk.  Kids with confidence, who know they’re loved, who know Mama/Daddy/family unit cares, have greater success in school.   That hug and those comments envelop the child, making him feeling guarded as he faces the world.

 

When she comes home, take the time to hear about her day.  These few minutes spent hearing about her day validates the importance of the school day.  !!! When you ask about the day, stop what you’re doing and dedicate the short time it takes to hear the details.  After all, if you stop everything to hear about the school day, your child will believe it must be important.  If you have a talker, lucky you!  Then you may have to make supper while Chatty Kelly or Chuck gives you every detail.   

Four year olds starting kindergarten.

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Four year-olds are sent to school for a variety of reasons.  Some of the reasons are, parental pride, or reduction of childcare costs.

Here’s the concern, four years old is a really, touchy age.  Some kids are ready to start school at four, but most kids need more time, especially boys.   When you think of the life span of humanity, 4 year-olds are still babies in many ways.

There are many elements for kindergarten readiness, and the kindergarten screening will guide the parent.  However, there is something called emotional readiness.  Some kids are simply not emotionally ready to be sent to school at four years old.  As they say, the buns are not ready to come out of the oven.

 I made that mistake.  I sent my son to school at 4 years, 11 months.  He passed the screening test, but he was not emotionally ready.  His kindergarten teacher let me know that he was not ready to advance to 1st grade and I was devastated.  Yes, like an idiot, I made it about me.  However, I had to put my pride away and my husband and I listened to the teacher.  She was the professional who saw my son as he progressed in school and compared to his peers.  Off to pre-first we went. 

It was a wonderful year.  My son blossomed with Mrs. Okoniewski.  In the small class setting, the students were given the little extras they needed, which in most cases were not educational, but more allowing time to grow a little more.  As a teacher in the district, I had the opportunity to keep an eye on the kids from that kindergarten class, and Mrs. Albright was spot on!  How blessed I was to have a kindergarten teacher who could properly assess and the pre-first teacher who would give my son the extra he needed to advance.

 So what are the alternatives?

When in doubt, keep your 4 year-old home, especially a boy.  If I were to do it all over again, I would start him at 5 years old, giving him a stronger start.  You’re the parent, you can explain it in a way the child will understand.

 A colleague of mine, figuring her 5 year old was not ready for school, sent her son to a local parochial school for kindergarten, and then sent him to kindergarten to the public school the next year.  The extra year gave him time to get his footing and begin his public school education as a confident student.  

Look, there are always difficult decisions.  We never know for sure if our decisions are correct, but if you listen to those who’ve been through the issue and do what’s best for your child, you’ll likely make the right decision. 

 Post script:  I just discussed this topic with my son.  He has no negative memory of his elementary school placement.  He had a happy experience during those first two years because no one made an issue of the extra year.

“If your kid poops his pants, he’s not ready for school. PERIOD!” (Mary Moley-Palacios)

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Please understand, this topic requires a frank discussion.  Any time a child’s future could be negatively impacted by lax parenting, I take a direct approach to my blog.

It is a complete shock that parents send their kids to school before the children can adequately toilet themselves.  A SHOCK!  Over the years I’ve listened to mainstream, kindergarten teachers talk about having to toilet train their students.  This is inexcusable.  By age 5, a child is capable of achieving this skill.  Why are soiled pants in school a problem?  Why am I critical of parents sending their kids to school without this skill?

  1. First and foremost, it’s gross and disgusting and it forces everyone in that classroom to endure the odor, not to mention the unsanitary issues.  I’ve learned the mess is not limited to the confines of the undergarment.
  2. Students are sent to school to learn.  In this situation, the other students are missing valuable learning time to the teacher’s need to attend to the kid who pooped his pants.  Harsh?  You bet!  Which leads me to the other topic I’ve blogged on before, negative, peer reaction.
  3. Teachers are very discrete while attending to a child who messes his pants.   However, when the other kids go home and talk about how Junior smelled and how he was sent to the nurse for a change of clothes, (and you can bet they will), they learn Junior’s social skills are not up to par.  And, like a kid who is identified for doing something special; running faster than others, best math student in the classroom or anything else, Junior is known for his smelly episodes.  That is not something for which any kindergartener should be known.   His socially unacceptable problem will cause him social problems.   And THAT’S a damn shame!!!

I know all of this is blunt, but it’s worse for the poor soul whose bathroom skills lag behind the others.  Sadly, this makes Junior a prime target for ridicule. This is nothing more than lazy parenting.

Clearly, most parents find toilet training a challenge.  Many of us seek outside help, even from other parents.   By school age, if toilet training were so difficult, a pro-active, engaged, concerned parent would discuss the issue with the pediatrician. That pediatrician would guide the parent, determining if it’s a medical issue.  If it was a medical or psychological issue, the doctor could help plan the next step for fixing the problem.  Schools have the professionals who can help with most of these issues.  However, as in the case above, generally, it’s simply a case of lazy parenting and lazy parenting is inexcusable.    Junior is socially inept, because the parents did not do their job.

In this case, the child pays for the sins of the parents.

“If your kid poops his pants, he’s not ready for school. PERIOD!”  (Mary Moley-Palacios)

 

 

“Why is discipline important? Discipline teaches us to operate by principle rather than desire…” ― John MacArthur

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For the best educational results, your child must come to school with the ability to sit and respond appropriately to instructions.   If the child doesn’t know how to sit and listen, it’s likely your child will be the focus of the teacher’s attention for the first few weeks and not in a good way.

How does he acquire these social skills?  It comes from having to sit at the supper table.  This behavior is learned in church.  He knows this because you sit and talk to him for a period of time appropriate to his age.  The short of this is, the child who did not learn to sit and listen will have a bumpy start.  The child is not to blame, in fact, he’s being set-up for sad school days by lazy parents.  Before you send Junior to school, check to see if he is able to sit still for periods of time appropriate to his age.

It’s not too late to get your kid ready for school by teaching him to sit and behave no matter what grade he’s entering.

“An investment …

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“An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.” Ben Franklin

School success needs a plan, a roadmap, if you will.

The responsibility of a parent does not end with the filled backpack and new clothes.  That’s like outfitting a camper without mapping the journey. 

The teacher, student and parent all have very specific jobs.  The teacher will teach and reinforce the material.  The teacher will also encourage the child to complete each task. 

 The kid has one job, school.   Really, it’s her job.  She must have good attendance, and complete the schoolwork.  Every day she must be present and ready to learn.

 The parent must insure good attendance, demand respect of the adults in school and reinforce the need to get the work done.  It’s not an easy task, but it’s the duty of the parent.     

Please understand, it is not happenstance that parents, who cooperate with the school system, generally have better achieving students. Typically, parents who fight the system, pass that attitude to their children who experience less success.  

 For example, Janie’s mother tells her the teachers are overpaid and underworked.  On a regular basis, Janie’s dad tells her the teachers are educated dummies.  When the teacher is conducting a lesson, Janie struggles with her appreciation for her teacher, and her parents’ negative opinion of school.  It’s confusing and in many cases, it’s the reason Janie won’t realize her true potential.  That is not a good thing.  Parents should not muddy the water.  If that much contempt is felt for the education system, parents must find an alternative, private school, charter school or even home schooling.   A child needs to believe the system has something to offer her.  

Finally, this is the most important and hardest task of the parent.  Parents must be capable of “inspiring” their children to succeed in school whether the kid wants to or not.   By this I mean, parents must have consequences for failure to do schoolwork.  Contrary to popular opinion, this is not the teacher’s job.  Parents can take T.V.  or phone privileges, demand early bedtimes, deny play dates, etc..   Again, education is Janie’s job and if she refuses to do her job, there must be consequences.  The effective parent is the one who can impart the importance of completing tasks, whether Janie is buying into it or not. 

Should kids experience difficulties with schoolwork, the parent must stay in contact with the teacher until the problem is solved.   

 

 

Cost of raising a child…

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Oh, the newest report says it’s more expensive to raise a child now.   Well, DUHH!   Of course!   Too many parents are wimps when it comes to saying ‘no’.  Peer pressure defeats parents as well as their kids.   That is the biggest reason for the additional cost of raising a child.  Too many times parents won’t keep the wallet closed.  It’s not only ok to limit indulgences to kids, it’s good for them. “No” to cell phones to any kid who is still chaperoned by an adult.  “No” to closet full of clothes. “No” to every new electronic to hit the shelves.  “No” to a home entertainment environments in the bedroom.   The word no does so many good things for a child.  No is a vaccination against so many societal problems.

 

School Shopping Propaganda

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Nothing impresses me more than a mom or dad who is mindful of the family budget.  Although he or she would love to buy freely for Junior, she knows it will not serve the family financially.  Dang!  Spending wisely.  Refreshing!  

You may have noticed,  the ads for back to school clothes look quite similiar to last year’s fashions.    Now, here’s a daring idea…                                                                                               When buying back to school clothes, shop the sale rack.  The kids need the same clothes in Sept as they needed in June.  These are precisely the clothes selling for 50% off right now.    

Mom will feel great at the prices and the kid will have a bag of new clothes.

Everyone will feel happy!

 

Social graces and parenting

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The only way to broach this next topic is in the negative.  I rewrote this passage a dozen times, but to write from the positive angle, only candy coats the issue. Simply put: by indulging children, parents may be making that child socially unacceptable.

Stark and sad, but true.             Here’s how it shakes out:  

Frankie comes to kindergarten having been allowed to do what he wants, when he wants.  He doesn’t know how to wait his turn, share, or work in a group.  He doesn’t sit still.  When he’s tired of the lesson, he gets up and does his own thing.  He screams when he’s expected to come off the playground.  If really agitated, he throws himself on the ground, stopping the entire lesson. Given these behaviors, Frankie is always in trouble. 

Like it or not, the kids think, “Frankie’s a bad boy”.  From the earliest age, little kids learn, if you do not behave, “you’re being bad”.    Now, why is Frankie a bad boy in the minds of his peers?  Because Frankie’s mom/dad, or ‘the parent unit’ as it’s now called, did not teach the social skills required for the school setting.   Every day, poor little Frank must either sit in time out, can’t play with the others at playtime, or has to have a quiet discussion with the teacher.  There is no doubt Frankie’s the topic of conversation in his classmates’ homes nightly.   Before you know it, Frankie is known as the bad boy, so he’s not invited to birthday parties, sleepovers or play dates.  He’s only known as the bad boy.   How unfair to set a kid up for social failure. 

In the short run, allowing a child to do what he wants, when he wants, may be easy, but the consequences for not taking the leadership role as a parent presents many difficulties for the child later on. 

 

Now, I know some of you want to label it ADHD.  Well, frankly, that may be true; however, a parent must attempt to teach social skills before that diagnosis can be discussed. 

Your child needs you…

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I would like to preface this message with; I was not the perfect parent.  Although I thought I knew how to prep my kids for school, I didn’t understand the full scope of prepping.  I learned a great deal as a parent and as an educator.  However, I think my husband and I did a pretty good job.   So, this is an anecdotal guide for educational success.  I will not be citing studies because I believe there are plenty of sites you can reference.  I will tell you however, if you check studies, you’ll see the support for my suggestions.  I will be blunt in some cases. I make no apologizes for these.  Education is a serious business and it takes a frank approach.  I have seen a lot in the past 30 years and I hope my experiences and observations will serve you well.  I apologize for any future writing errors.  I am totally responsible for those.  My husband Don will also weigh in on some opinions.  You’ll know when he’s chimed in!

First and foremost, YOU are the best assurance that your child will experience educational successes.  When you birthed this child, you made a commitment to the earth that you’d be responsible.  Society expects that.  Believe me, government has made many provisions for lazy parents.  These programs are no substitute for parenting.  This is especially true in education.  In fact, children of lazy/detached parents experience many unnecessary difficulties in school.

Every few days I’ll post an additional topic appropriate for different grades.    We’ll connect again in a few days!

*** The next post:  The only people who think a beautiful child, without social skills, is adorable, are Mom and Dad.